What better time than the present to write an entry after a year of nothing? While procrastinating?

I am not even going to attempt to recount everything from a YEAR, but the things that pop to mind. I type this sitting in the University, 2 weeks before the end of the semester.

Who was I kidding. I am in love. I was so, so scared to say the words but how could you not fall in love with someone who is your best friend, you can tell everything to, (or eventually will tell as you know you can trust them implicitly). Maybe I was denying feelings all along, maybe I didn't develop feelings until I felt it was okay to do so, either way, he was a presence in the back of my mind throughout the trials and tribulations of high school, and did not leave my mind once college started either. He's been there through the important events in my life, and after a particularly fun ski trip with my friend Danielle, and his friend Aron, Justin and I only grew closer, and I realized our friend hang-outs could only stay as friends for so long. There was something more there, some kind of electricity that could not be ignored forever. We didn't know whether it was just basic lust..2 horny young adults, but after sitting on a bed for nights, we finally crossed that line...probably a moment I won't forget ever. This guy who'd been one of my closest friends at the transition and start of high school, and despite leading different lives for a few years after, fell back into the natural rhythm of friendship so easily. So one night while sitting up watching a movie in his room on his bed..the physical closeness was broken but a casual stroke here and there, inching closer...until finally the tension became too much and we kissed. And for a second I panicked, thinking i'd just ruined it. I'd gone back on everything I wanted, to be by myself, figure my life out, not enter into a relationship so young. You can't fight moments like that, though. He's taught me that. You learn from them or you find out they're more than worth it. And 9 (?) months later (no, I"m not pregnant, haha) it's still so exciting and new and fresh and someone I talk to every single day in any form of communication we can. I trust him beyond anything. I know he will be there for me, all I have to do is ask. I know he won't leave me for anything else, and I don't want to go anywhere either. I'm so attracted to his intelligence, his sense of street smarts that can fill in the blanks for me, if he doesn't have the answer he doesn't need to make one up, he can tell me. Who else is graduated from college at 19? Not to mention his physique. I feel like I"m more attracted to him the longer we are together, which is pretty amazing. We do the same things some nights, watch TV or eat supper or whatever, but things are always exciting and interesting no matter what we do. I've been pushing the limits with my parents as well, staying out sometimes 'til 4 in the morning on Friday nights, but only then. It's not like I'm doing that every night. I know school is so important, even though it's been a rough semester. We're about to book a trip to Jasper in January, i've never been (with my parents knowledge) away with just me and my boy before, and it's going to be a 2 nights stay. I am so excited. There are some things that make us trip up every once in awhile, he tells me how would you know that you can get through the rough spots as well as the good unless you are forced upon some rough spots every so often. But even then, they are silly things, mostly about not seeing each other enough. Its so hard to go days without seeing him, once a week is near impossible. I've never felt this way, where the more I see someone, the more I WANT to see them and spend time with them. But I do. I am so lucky we took that leap and I trusted him to not rush things. I don't regret a single thing, and I can imagine a future with us, not mapped out to the details, but nothing would be greater than getting to live together, wake up and see his face. It's such a desire, something on my top list of hopes. I could probably go on for awhile, but I have to get other things off my chest.

I'm at the U of A. And it's been a really rough semester. I miss Grant Mac so much some days. No one knows me here. I wander around this enormous campus some days, and it's such a lonely existence but I've adjusted to that too I guess. I have my spots in the library I go now, my rituals. I will never again only go to school twice a week-it has messed me up beyond belief and I've been doing so poorly, it's terrifying me that i've lost whatever put me ahead of the crowd. I know i can get it back though. I am going to try for vet school. I know it is a far-off distant dream and I have not been working towards it like the hundreds of other people since grade 2, but I know I can get the grades and I've started volunteering. Maybe there's hope. If that doesn't work out, there's always graduate school in something. I just want the skills that allow me to help animals and the world the way I want to. Funny, I started out wanting to have a career that helped me in conservation, yet the more classes I've taken, the further away I went from that goal. Now I have come back to that dream from a different aspect but one that has me fascinated and hoping to get into. With the grades I have this semester I"ll be lucky I don't get kicked out of the new Animal Health program I got into in January, but hopefully I can pull it together. I need 2 full years, so I have 2.5 years left here at the U, which is kind of depressing, but I can do it. I will be 22 when I finish, plently of time to get a career started, with or without vet school.

Mei and I had a massive blowup after we went to San Francisco and stayed with her family for 10 days after Winter semester. Things were just so strained between us, I felt like we were drifting majorly, and she refused to acknowledge it so I showed her. And I got it thrown back in my face and we went through a long period of not talking much. I don't know if things will ever be the same again. We're hanging out again every so often and talking every so often, but we're not eachother's confidants anymore. A major breaking point was she couldn't accept Justin with me, even as a friend. And she told me multiple times she had NO valid reason for it, just a 'feeling' she had. So i've never even officially told her we're dating. She asked me not to force them together, so i never bring  him up to her. Kind of a big canyon between us.

What else? Chris' mom came in to 2cup the other day - first time i've seen her since we broke up over a year ago. Very uncomfortable. Dan left her - the biggest shock of my month. HIs sister lives with the dad (and the new gf) in the city and Chris lives with her on the farm still.

I'm just makin it through this semester, have a TON of reports and finals coming up despite me only being in 2 serious classes. I'm ready for a fresh start now that I've more or less adjusted to this semester kinda. It was a massive shock from Grant and I still am not completely liking the U, but I have no other choice to get where I want to be going.

Love,

Michelle

To continue on…I don't really have time to think about all the shit i've been through. School is so intense...my marks are not where they should be this semester, but that can't be helped. The pressure is just on now for the finals, which is rough. I don't know...and the situation with Chris...I think I've kinda known all along that we were going to break up. It was just getting up the guts to admit it, admit that we need time apart. To break up. To have time to grow apart, because our growing together in the last months has not been healthy. With all my time (or lack thereof) and his too much time, and my not being able to do things he wanted to do (go on family vacations, hang out more than twice a week) it just was too much. Add on to that that we are only 19, & I am not thinking about marriage for a long time, and that we are not doing as good as we could be as a couple, it just made logical sense to break up for now (for good??) until we figure out what we want from life & who we want it with. He was also my first boyfriend, and me his first long-term serious girlfriend. I need to do things first before I settle down, and I think it needs to be done single. It's so easy to think about things with my brain when I am not with him or thinking with my heart...on the rare occasions I let my heart into the matter, the tears flow & I miss hanging out with him, snuggling on the couch to a movie, hanging out in his bedroom, having those interesting family dinners...his dad...i really miss his family they were always so, so great to me. Willing to pay for me to go to Mexico with them for pete's sake...and his dad was so funny & nice...and his mom too, though not very chatty. It's just so hard, because it's not just a break-up with him, it's with his family. He's luckier in a sense, that I shielded him from my family. In that aspect. But I know he is having a rougher time with things, having that extra time to think about us & stuff...we text every other day or so and the way he talks its just so intimate and personal it's almost uncomfortable because we are broken up..but I think he is either in a state of denial or wanting to get back together? like yesterday he was saying how he would have cheered me up from everything if we were still together; would have shown up outside my class holding a lily? And then he was like stupid me, why didn't i think to do things like that before...and i'm like uhh...what do you say to your ex-boyfriend for that (ex-boyfriend...such a foreign term...never used it before...) I don't know...it helps to talk to Justin. We barely even talk about Chris, just in general about life & stuff. I don't like Justin in that way though, he's just a really good friend and though a lot of time has passed since we were close friends (gr. 10!) we still talk as good as we used to. And it bugs chris so much, apparently Justin went over to their mutual friend's house the other day & chris was there...and he left after 2 minutes because chris made it so awkward between them? Chris said that seeing Justin reminds him of me?! He was always so, so overprotective about that. And I can see why it would bug him that I talk to his old friend...and I understand why he was like that, due to his parents but it needed to stop & he couldn't stop it. I don't know...

I am just in such a transition period of my life. I am making new friends, though Mei will probably always be one of my closest friends. I am no longer in a long-term relationship. After liking Chris for near 4 years...I am surprised that I do not feel more that we are broken up. I think it was kind of a long time coming...and I still care so so much for him...and I miss snuggling & all that physical stuff as well, however he is truly a great person and I think you will always love your first love. But I also think my emotions are just kind of numbed...I'm not sure...I should be feeling more about everything that is going on than I am but, like I said...I guess school is just in the way of that. My finals are done as of Dec. 12th (a Friday!) and I plan on going out that night and drinking my sorrows away lol.

I went out last weekend for halloween (sailor girl!) and that was interesting. Lots of fun, I'm excited to go next year again. Chris went with us, Nicole ended up getting so drunk, puking on the floor, and kissed Chris. Like seriously...I know you are plastered but, how rude. And it's weird how I drink like, never. And I can handle myself better than these people who drink all the time. I dunno.

As for my future...I just don't know anymore. Over the summer I really looked into the Zoology career, researching animals and such. Or Ecology, the environment & animals together. Now that I am almost done the courses, I am still interested in that, I'm just not sure if I want to do that whole research aspect. I still really enjoy writing & reading...deciding not to go into the Bachelor of Applied Communications & Writing program will probably haunt me for awhile. I wish something would jump out & grab my interest so much that I want to do it as a career for a long time. But it probably won't happen. I just don't know...this semester is so intense I don't have time to just SIT DOWN and think about my life like I need to. Even now, I should be studying for my final on Monday for my lab. I have never been in more of a state of confusion & turmoil and numbed emotions and drama and...intensity in my life. It has made me question all my motives, my intelligence, me as a person. And I hate how we are all such prisoners of time...there is never enough of it. And I am always tired...not enough sleep. I really hope I can climb out of this deep dark tunnel into the distant light in the next little while. It's kind of dim and sad in here.

Love,

Michelle

So it’s 11.00pm on a Tuesday evening…& boy has my life changed..

I am still on slippery footing it feels like with my life..I have a handle on things but not quite to the extent I wish I did. Things are so difficult when you get older, & I wish I knew the right decisions to make, or had the time to step back for a second and appreciate the highs and lows I am going through. I guess that will come when you’re older. I am no longer together with Chris. We decided to go on a break about a month ago…& during that time it was the hardest time, yet within a few days I got used to the no-phone calls at night anymore. Easier than I thought I could. And so when the week was up, we decided to postpone meeting. Why you ask? My mother underwent open-heart surgery the day after Thanksgiving. We all knew it was coming...it was just a matter of time. It just came sooner, much sooner than we thought. She was born with a heart condition--one valve had 2 flaps fused together, thus not enough blood going through her ever-narrowing aortic valve. So that was replaced...what a scary time. The first time we saw her after the surgery in ICU, only 2 people allowed in at a time. I took one look at mommy, lying there on the bed all tiny & pale and tubes everywhere and I just lost it. I have just never seen her so defenseless & small. And she was awake & trying so so hard to reach us with words (always a chatterbox) but they had just taken her respiratory tube out & she couldn't talk. But i could make out faint whispers of "i love you, I love you guys so much" over and over and then I just couldn't stop my tears. But she made it through, however tough it was, and now its just the aftereffects we have to deal with. The unfortunate part was the timing of everything. It came at the beginning of the week of 4 of my midterms, and as a partial result, I did not fare as good as I would have hoped on my midterms. She was in the hospital from a Tuesday to the following Monday. Chris & I broke up on the Friday. I can't describe how awful that week was, how awful that MONTH was actually. And now we are into November and I just feel SO...like I am just drifting along. Waiting for something or someone to come along and give me a shake...let me know that I can be reached, my emotions haven't completely been shut down. That I can once again thrive in the world. But mom is doing much, much better. After that week she slowly came down off the drugs and her normal personality came back. Seeing my bright, vibrant mother emotionless and depressed...I guess it just reminded me a bit of her mortality. And it scared me. The hardest part now is the father. He has been home since Thanksgiving, and I don't think I can take it. After that initial week of her being in the hospital and me home alone with him & Hunter where he did not drink once, he has proceeded to get drunk every single night since (give or take a night). And I cannot stand it for one more night. Its killing my emotions and my sense of right & wrong and how a normal relationship should work. Its so dysfunctional. I went out Halloween night to the Bear's 16th Halloween Howler (sailor girl, with '50s pinup make-up & hair!) and the next night I also went out for Kaytlyn's 19th birthday (Mad Hatter Tea Party theme, I was Cheshire Cat). That night he was once again in his normal drunken stupor saying stupid things & just raising mom's blood pressure & stress levels unnecessarily, and I was leaving her. So I yelled at him, for some reason or another "maybe if you weren't so drunk you'd know!" and he just shut right up and was in a pissy mood for the next 3 days. But, what do you know, he's right back to his old tricks tonight.

So I've been talking to Justin again quite a bit. Phone, text, MSN. Chris is having a really tough time with us being broken up. I am too..when I have the time to actually think about it. School is so, so, so hard I am barely holding on. All the other stuff just makes the hill that much steeper for me. So while I am trying to hold on to that, I don't have much time to think about us actually being...finished. And he has all this time. Must go for now...its late & the dog is whining. To be continued...

I just remembered the website I created about myself on freewebs.com. Username xxbloodyrosexx, password the nickname for guinea. And I was reading everything...and the poems I used to write, and the quotes I collected and whatnot..& although I was a dark little child back then (i made it in 2004, so I was...15) possibly because of peer influence, man I was creative. I wish I had time to write the poetry I used to, or start on a story/novel. I have no idea if I'm any good, but I did like most of the poems when I reread them just now. It brings back such memories of being home alone or whatever and just..delving into my Book of Shadows, looking up info on Wicca...thinking depressing thoughts (lol) and just, creative, emotional, colorful, exotic fun. When I didn't have to worry so much about everything else. God...I loved being a kid. I loved my life (more or less...) and even though I'm 19 now (4 years later)...I know I still am a kid kind of...I mean it's only been 4 years. That's nothing when you're an adult. But I feel like I've moved on from that younger girl. Who would sneak books out of the library she knew her mom would not approve of and refuse to give to her (still mad about that!) and dive into a world she wishes fervently to be a part of. It's such a disappointment to compare that to real life. Reality has such a...less clouded version....less magical and other-wordly feel to it. Like nothing exciting or different could happen in it. With books...you can not only travel to Ireland, but there is this inexplainable feeling...like a faerie could appear or those misty hills were more than just, misty hills. Like I said...inexplainable.

Back to reality...I really do wish I had time to write more. I did love it..I loved finishing something that I was proud of & thought was creative & good. The longer I don't write though...the more I fear that maybe I'm really not as good and creative as I once was...can you lose a touch...I also feel my vocabulary isn't what it used to be. Or my smarts. Or my weight. God...it's not that I'm unhappy with who I am..I just...don't know who I am anymore. Or did I ever really know? I feel like I'm floating through life with desires that will go unfulfilled.

Anyway...not much going on...planning a trip to Pembina this Sat. with Chris, Mei & Shane, Meagan & Dan (awkward...stupid biotch). And maybe Kristen & Kayla and yeah. Should be fun. Gonna float down the river, have hot doggies/picnic. Hoping to do some more fun things yet before the summer ends. Like go to the corn maze, go to Body Worlds, camp at Pembina one night with Chris. Etc. I know school will be absolute hell.

Other than that...wish I had more money. I worked all summer and only have about $5000. (I had about $600 to start off with). Goddamn living expenses. Plus insurance is going to be like $2300. And gas will be for 8 months, $2000. So I was hoping to keep 2cup for 1 night a week, because if I do that, say 5-6 hours a night, multiply by 10.25 is around $60 a week which would pay for gas and not make me spend my savings from this summer. I need a higher paying job next summer. I've also gained WAY too much weight. I don't know where it came from. I've been the same weight since like grade 9 and suddenly overnight I gained like 8 lb's. And I'm 5"3 so that's a lot. I weigh like 128. Ugh. So I'm trying really hard to eat healthy (because I don't lol) and drink more water. I'm pretty sure it's cause I've had a desk job all summer. Once I'm back at Grant with all those stairs and the free gym (please make me use it) I'm hoping it'll get better. Anyway...I guess I should pretend to go do some work now.

Cheers,

Michelle

Its the summer of '08. The sky is a warm blue with streaks of white across the sky, a slight wind to blow your hair back from your face. School has been out since the end of April, and never has 4 months flown by faster. Life is interesting, and sometimes I want to step back & view my life from an outsiders view. I haven't lived all that much yet, I'm hoping to do that when I finally slip from my parents firm, iron-rod grip. I want to travel and see Stonehenge, and Giants Causeway in Ireland, and visit pubs in European cities where no one knows the life I have lived and I can be whoever I want to be. Although I will still be me, because you can't escape it that easily. Nor can you escape so easily the path you have put yourself on, however full of holes and shoddy construction it may be. I'm worried about the future of me. I've been trying so hard to save money but I feel like I don't have enough to show for a summer of pure work. There is just so much you need money for in this world. Gaining worldy experience is damn expensive. Moving out will be near-impossible though its something sorely wished for. I need independence or I fear soon I will be dependent & craving safety of home too much. Traveling requires so much as well--and if I want to see the things I want to see...well, I'm sure that will greatly reduce the moving-out chances.

Anyway, so I finished my 1st year of college with a 3.45 GPA. Not too bad, just kinda mad that I missed the big scholarship you get when you have a 3.5 GPA (.05 off...damn it!). School was an experience. They say its the years you find yourself, college. But so far i've only really figured out all my negatives. I'm not as good or unique or smart as I was when I was younger. I have been thrown into a melting pot of people from everywhere with better grades, more motivation and drive, better looks, better friends...and I'm still too goddamn shy to strike up conversation easily (I'm learning to do it better) and sit next to someone I want to in a class full of strangers. Good thing I'm hoping to go into a field where the objects of my study will (hopefully) be animals. You don't have to worry about social etiquette with them. Although you still have to deal with others. I guess I'm a creature of comfort...I miss the old days where I knew where I stood in elementary/junior high & even high school. Where I knew the faces I passed in the hallways & there was a friendly face to smile at you. College is great...I know I'll get used to it sooner or later (maybe later), I mean I really like a lot of my teachers, they are so nice. And I have met a few nice people (some crazy ones too). But nothing like...long-term friendship yet. No one keeps in touch that much. And as shy as I am, I still strike up the conversation 3/4 of the time. It's weird. Its like some people don't even WANT to get to know who is sitting next to them.

I also am debating quitting Second Cup. All summer I have worked at the Chamber ($13/hour, not too shabby!) as well as Second Cup ($10/hour) and I kept 2cup last year throughout school (no clue how I did it) but this year is gonna be SO hard. Class like 9-1 and 8-5 and 8-3 everyday. Mei, being in education, is only taking 4 classes and goes for like 3 hours a day and doesn't even go on Fridays. Ugh. I'm taking more classes in the biology field, like 2 zoologys, a biology, "Planet Earth" and math unfortunately is required. I'm trying to narrow it down to what I want to do, and I think Zoology might be the one. I hope. I was talking to a couple in my subdivision whom I'm taking care of their house for a month while they go to Europe, and he was saying a guy he knew went into biology & it took him 15 years to find a job. I don't want that to be me!! I'm really worried about that. Then he went on to say that he's now making $180,000 though lol!

I'm still dating Chris. Things are still topsy turvy. I don't know if he's the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. He's still my first boyfriend...I still have so much of my life. We're taking it one day at a time. We have lots of obstacles in our way. Namely, my parents not letting go of me. I'm not allowed to stay at his house with parents & everything there and I'm 19. Not allowed to go camping or go to mexico with the whole family. But we'll see. If things become too much we've both discussed that it's a very real possibility of breaking up. Which is very hard to imagine as he's such a big part of my life.

Hunter our English Setter is doing great. He's calming down a bit, but we still aren't spending as much time with him as he needs or as I'd like to. He has so much energy & with both jobs and boyfriend & friends...so hard to give it to him. When I do have down time I don't want to be walking around the subdivision with the crazy man. I want to read a book or watch a movie or...which i know needs to change. Everyone's just been working so much this summer. Mom's boss got fired and she now has to work full-time at the other chamber. Shane started his painting business and works 7 days a week, 24 hours a day practically. And mei did that with him for like the first 2months of summer before she started at the library. Ugh. And like she said, we'll barely see eachother at school between her schedule & mine. Hopefully things will be okay. I really need to find more friends, I basically only have Mei. Meagan got her new boyfriend who is into extreme stuff & she moved into an apartment with him within the first like month and now they're moving into the basement of a house so jeesus. I've tried phoning & texting her many times, and she has not initiated a single thing since school let out so screw her. She's just fucking her life over. She wanted to be a dentist, then lowered her sights to dental hygienist, and now dental assistant. And she's taking ANOTHER year of school, and dropped out of the program I'm in to become the assistant thing. She can apparently phone Mei and invite her places and catch up over coffee but she can't bother with me so THAT was a great friend. I shoulda trusted my instincts in kindergarten when I didn't like the snobby little blonde girl. Lol.

Other than that...Kristian moved out into a condo by herself finally. I couldn't wait for her to leave, but now the parents attention is like, entirely focused on me and it sucks. Plus she moved so damn far away that we never see her, just like Michael. And he still has his girlfriend that is total opposite of his last one. No makeup, very tall, masters in biology. As long as he's happy.

So life goes on. We long for a life that seems unattainable. I feel myself getting more lost every day. I thought I used to know who I was. Now it's all tangled up like strings of yarn in different colours and no idea of where the beginning or end is. All I know, is that I'm michelle...and I have dreams of a future traveling to different places...with a job I love and feel I'm making a difference in the world, and not starving along the way from lack of money. And moved away from home.

Love,

michelle

So, it's been almost a year since I last wrote the daily happenings in my life. And if possible, I feel even more confused about who I am and where I am going. Let's see, I graduated from high school, that is a start. We wrote our diploma's and I finished with very good marks, 93 in Biology, 94 in English, 78 in Chemistry, and 84 in Social. Then Grad, my dress came, no problems. I tried it on, and it was perfect. Only problem, Mei bought a similar red dress. Ugh. What can you do, but turn it into something positive. So we were the "ladies in red". Grad was great, I made a whole photo album so those pictures will last forever. Took lots of pictures, had the photographer at the Legislature grounds, limo was great. Little mishaps occurred, my hair would NOT curl lol I should have just done it myself, probably could have done it just as good! But anyway, never ended up sitting with Chris's family, not enough seats at the table as his brother & his girlfriend came. Oh well, I had fun with my family. Then I actually danced a good portion of the night! It was a lot of fun, went by way too fast for how much effort & plans I put into it. Of course. It was a little sad, but I didn't cry. The saddest part would have to be leaving my comfort zone, and more importantly, the teachers. I will miss Dr. Nyberg so much, she was the greatest teacher I ever had. One day I will write her a letter, I hope, and tell her that. And Mr. Everitt, his classes were the most fun. It's invaluable to learn another language, and though it's kind of fading since I haven't been using/hearing it much in the last months, it's something I could pick up again quickly. And Mrs. Porter, who started my love for biology. Never a kinder person. So we were supposed to go to Safe Grad after, and the weather held all day for our pictures & everything so that was wonderful, but it started POURING at about midnight. Hardcore, soaked to the skin pouring within minutes. So the pitiful, wet class of 2007 huddled around the bonfire & bravely attempted to party it up at the Spruce Grove gun club. Lol.

I also completed Grade 8 in Piano. And in the last 8 months I think I have only touched the piano twice. It makes me sad, that I no longer have time for something I worked so hard at for 9 years of my life. The exam was terrifying as usual, they moved the piano to a different room than all the years I had been taking my exams, & that threw me off. The sound was different, & the keys were so hard to press down I struggled to pump out my dynamics. I managed a 78 on my exam, but I had practiced my songs so much and knew them so well I know it was just the exam that gave me that mark. When I played at my last recital before the exam, strangers came up to me to compliment me on my playing. Exams just make me nervous, and it affects my performance. I really hope to get back on the piano soon...it gives me mixed feelings because I am worried I have lost my touch. That when I play, mom & dad and whoever is listening (especially Dad) will say something rude, or not rude but, be let down. So I think the first few times I should be by myself.

The summer after grad I turned 18 on Friday the 13th. Since only a few people were 18 when I turned of age, we didn't have a very large group come to the bar. But I got up early in the morning and went horse-back riding with Chris, something I've been dying to do forever. It was great, my birthday was the hottest day of the year, 30 degrees celsius. I wish I knew how to ride better, especially when the horses went into a trot, as I was bouncing everywhere lol but I didn't mind keeping it at a walk. It takes some getting used to. It was funny, not many of the horses liked Chris's horse and my horse kept trying to turn around to bite the sucker. Then we went to Chris's and got ready for Harry Potter, since it came out on my birthday I made everyone dress up. I was Hermione, Chris was Draco, Meagan was Luna (or supposed to be), Mei was Cho Chang, Shane was Harry Potter, Ho Li was a random wizard, and Kaytlyn was...I can't remember..and Justin came too but he didn't dress up. Afterwards we went out for dinner at Earl's and I had my first legal drink. It was fun, and then Meagan & her bf (ex boyfriend now) Ho and me went to The Ranch. Strangely empty for a Friday night, but we had fun anyway, then went back to Spruce and hit the bar there, and then Stony for the Oldbar and Early Stage Saloon, where I completed my night after 2 more shots and a Long Island iced tea. Hahha...I had lots of fun, and was pretty much laughing the whole night, even when I threw up in the bushes of the church (didn't know it was one 'til after) and lay down on the sidewalk when my tummy hurt lol. Chris had already had his birthday, we wrote English diploma on his birthday & then he went out for lunch with some buddies and I went home a made him a picnic & he came over & I got him for myself for about an hour. Then he was off with his brother & his girlfriend to the stripper's and bar's. Everyone was wondering why he didn't come to the bar with me and I supposed it wouldn't have been a big deal but we both just felt since I didn't get to come with him on his 18th, (due to me not being 1 then he wouldn't come with me. Not that he would have held me back from anything, I dunno. It was just mutal all around and people had a hard time understanding that lol. Anyway, good birthday! The next day Chris & I went to Allan Beach and soaked up the sun.

Enjoyed the rest of the summer for the most part, worked at the Visitor Information Center again, and towards the end of the summer applied at Second Cup against my sister's wishes (as she worked there for so long before) and almost a month later they phoned me lol, and I started working there at the end of August. About 2 weeks before I started at Grant Mac, I finally bought a car. It took several frustrating outings with Dad, but I finally settled (and liked it though, not just settled) on a 2007 Nissan Versa, standard, black, and charcoal interior. Very pretty. Of course then came the dilemma of learning to drive a stick in a week & half for school. After much cursing, crying, and terror, I learned. In a week. So, I guess anything's possible.

So, now comes the biggest and scariest and sometimes I think worst, and other times good change. I started college. What a change. Nothing could have prepared me for the utter aloneless going from a graduating class of 350 to a college in downtown Edmonton. At least in high school, by grade 11 or so you know the faces in the halls and all the people you went to junior high with and your new group of friends and even the people you don't like. In college, I have been lucky so far as my best friend Mei goes there, as does a girl I knew from junior high & high school, and a few others from high school & I see them fairly often. And my first semester was pretty successful. Of course my marks dropped, but that didn't bug me that much for some reason, I guess because I heard so much about that. I even made a new friends or two all by myself. Admitted, one of them is a blooming schitzophrenic & the other talks about gay anal sex (that one is male) and draws penis's everywhere, but he's nice. The schitzophrenic I try to avoid. And another girl who is getting married this summer and trying to be a pharmacist, but I don't see her much anymore as she dropped some classes & is only taking a few a semester as she's too busy. I really, really, liked my Biology 107 teacher. And he was so cute. Not hot, but very nerdily cute. I took Statistics, Psychology, Biology, Chemistry, & English. Everything was fine, managed a B+ in Bio, A- in Psych, B+ in Stats, and probably have about an A or more in English (it runs all year). Chemistry I got a B-. Barely. Apparently the professor I got has been warned many a time about the difficulty of his exams, and gets in trouble all the time. What a horrible teacher. And Chem 101 already has a 50% dropout rate for it's difficulty level, we don't exactly need MORE difficulties, like in the tests.

This semester I am taking Bio again, Psych again, English, and unfortunately Chem. My teacher is much better in chem though. Biology isn't as interesting, more about like the era's of the past and classifying animals into Kingdoms & such but it's alright. I'm also not taking as many courses. I was in Computing Science, but it was so incredibly boring & difficult I dropped it. Then to my great brilliance, I realized there was method to my madness, as I need 6 credits in Maths to satisfy my degree! So next year I need to take either a computing science course (and stick with it) or a math course. And I hate math. Although I have less courses this semester, I am not trying much harder. And it makes me feel bad that I don't try harder. Not that I don't at all, but my habits from high school are sticking to me with a vengeance, and although they got me by high school great, I need to kick it up a notch to get even better grades in college. I don't talk much in my classes, thankfully Mei is in my English class all year, and I know a guy from my bio class last semester who is in my bio class this semester, but in Psych the schitzophrenic is in it and although she was sitting by me initially, her chair broke (act of God) and she now has to sit elsewhere. And she's so embarassing! Maybe it's due to her condition, but she constantly asks questions, and when the teacher tries to answer her, she interupts him & just keeps on talking and does this about 3 times before she shuts up & lets him talk. Ugh. And people snicker & I am embarrassed even though I don't really know her. Anyway. And in Chemistry I don't know anyone, I mean I recognize faces, but yeah. There is this one boy who is in my English class, Psych class AND Chem class but he is always surrounded by other girls and sits with them so I am too shy to try to sit by him because he seems very nice. Last semester Mei talked to him in English a bit as he was in our Chemistry class last semester and he was trying to get into being a doctor, so we call him doctor boy lol. Lame, I know. But I mean he's in all my classes but one, and that one is the same class I am taking just at another time. So it'd be great to be able to discuss homework. My labs are pretty good, Bio is good and Chem the prof assigned partners & I have a very smart partner thank god and he's nice & kinda cute but we don't talk all that much. I think I saw him with a girl in the hallway one time, but still he could talk a little more.

I am basically just trying to catch up on my life in this entry. Some days are great & I feel good about what I am doing and other days I start thinking about my future & what I want to do and I get so mixed up. I want to do something with the environment or animals, but I also want to pursue writing. And I want to travel..I just don't know where I am going to end up & it's kind of scary thinking about the future and just drawing a blank. I don't know what kind of career this degree is going to take me to, or if it even will. And I haven't really met any new good friends. I am sticking to what I know and I know I need to break out of my shell but it's really hard. And people aren't even that friendly. They stick with who they know to and rarely does someone sit by me and start a conversation. Is something wrong with me? I know I don't talk that much either to new people, cause I'm so freaking worried I'll come off wrong, but I didn't think college was going to be like this. Meagan started this semester as last semester she took off to go to Germany, France, and Italy. She's so much ruder as of late. I don't even want to open my mouth around her for what she might say back. Or maybe it's me. Maybe people act this way because of how I am. Last semester stressed me out quite a bit and it's really hard to keep things together. If i'm not busy with school I am still working at Second Cup, or attempting to see Chris at least once a week (which sometimes doesn't happen). And it's hard to keep things going there. The longer I am away from him the less my feelings feel like returning when I do get to see him. I don't know...I wish I didn't have the stresses of school, but without it where would I be? Working at a dead-end job. I try not to get down but I give in a lot to those feelings. High school opened me up, and it feels like college is closing me down. I feel so spirit-less some days, like I am a nobody amidst all those faces who are busy in their own world's. Very depressing of me I know. But I get through each day, and that's a relief.

Mom & dad are in Mexico right now and it's been a big pain to take care of Hunter, he's stressed a lot of the time & barking, but what can you do. I have to go study my brains out now, hope to write soon.

ps. it got to -48 with winchill last week when Mom & Dad left. Kristian's car broke, I had to drive her...mine barely went. A "when I was young" story! lol

Oh my god I hate having to try to remember everything I've done since I'm such a slacker & didn't post sooner...but I know I am gonna look back on this when I'm older & take time out to read my little immature thoughts lol. Hopefully my kids won't read these cause then they'll know if I've done anything bad and use it against me. Oh well, it's a part of growing up. So it ended with Spring Break...well obviously we are back to school after that idiot teacher's strike, and I (as well as everyone else) are still suffering from the time lost. We have huge exams practically very 2 days, and in English AP we write every day, for 40 minutes at least. It's pretty demanding to say the least.

So Meagan's 18th birthday party. It was originally supposed to be at her grandpa's farm, but then the weather turned really shitty so she changed it to in her basement. Sure, that's fine, only that makes it harder to avoid some people (Nicole). So basically the people who come are: Mei, Shane, Me, Chris, Meagan, Ho, Lauryn D., Jessica, Meggy, Justin G., Shayne D., Nicole & her boyfriend Terrance...hmm....I think that's it. And it's alright and stuff and I heard a rumour from Mei earlier that she overhead something about how Nicole might try to talk to us at the party. So, fine...I guess. She wasn't supposed to say anything because Meagan didn't want any drama going on but yeah. We play some foosball, air hockey, then commence the drinking. And yes, I finally got drunk for the first time in my almost 18 years. Hhaha...it was pretty fun I guess, not something I want to make a regular habit out of but I started off fine with 1 cooler and we were having fun and everyone decided to play Sociables and that was fun and then I got a little tipsier and whatnot and then I had 2 more coolers and then I got pretty drunk and my foot started getting very tingly (Justin said that's "my" sign that I'm drunk) so I started kind of lightly kicking everyone to make my foot stop tingling haha it didn't offend anyone just yeah. Then I started feeling a little sick and uh oh...I puked. Lol...I felt better after and it wasn't like a major experience or anything I was having fun and laughing and stuff so yeah. Jessica was being a complete fool like she always is when she's drunk and was like hanging off Justin G. (he just broke up with his girlfriend Katie the little skanky gr. 10-er like the day before) and he was too nice to like push her off or anything so he sat with her for awhile and talked to the annoying drunk Jessica who managed to kiss most of the boys on the cheek including my boyfriend by the end of the night. And screaming in anyone's face who tried to take her alcohol away. So anyway, Nicole did end up talking to me, about how upset she's been and how stupid she's been and how she only deleted us off her friend's page because every time she looked at our pictures she got too sad and how she knows it won't be a right away thing but she wants to be friends again. So...fine. I don't want to start any drama and so basically we're on shaky ground but we don't like hate eachother or anything. I don't exactly talk to her anymore than I used to cause she's either always with her boyfriend or not at school so yeah. Then there was the drama with Shayne (Meagan's boyfriend Ho's friend, she wanted someone that he was really good friends with because he's not all that close with all of us yet) and he had been hounding her to let him bring his "snuff" to her party (apparently it's powdered tobacco) and anyway despite her saying no to his face like 20 times at school & me hearing her say that he brings it anyway and I missed this but apparently he did it, while her little brother was around, and even though I told him before this that if he does anything I'm gonna tell Meagan (which I did, that he has it) then Meagan finds out he did this so she takes it without him knowing & pours it all out (apparently he got it while in France during the trip for school, expensive stuff but who cares) and so he gets all pissed off & him and Meagan have a screaming match at her 18th birthday party, poor thing. But she can definitely hold her own, she's tough. So I dunno if he ever realized how stupid he was, didn't help he was too drunk to comprehend much, but needless to say they don't talk anymore. So that was alright. Throughout the night Chris kind of did his own thing (his sister explained to me that's what he does when he's drunk, he basically just hangs out with his friends) but I still kinda felt left alone I guess...he never really came over to me or made sure I was okay (of course I was, I had all my friends around me but still) so I kinda ended up talking and hanging out with Justin for part of the night cause he's so cool to just chat with and stuff, I don't really give a shit if Chris was watching us (the one time he actually looks at me). So we kinda talked about the old days how close we were and stuff (we were like best buds) and he's kinda still upset about Katie but he's okay and then at the end of the night the girls go sleep in the trailer and the boys sleep downstairs and I sleep like a rock, but boy oh boy Nicole has to drive her boyfriend to work in the morning at like 8.00 am and then when she got back she woke everyone up and everyone else started yapping except me and Mei cause we were dead tired but nooo...oh well. Went home and yeah, mom was none the wiser hopefully. Lol.

Hence initiated the e-mail convo's between me and Justin since then (they're kinda tapering off now but we're super busy) but I always write so much that's just the way I am so then he started writing more and more and now he writes a lot which is good because I am a fast reader too, as well as a fast writer. We still don't talk that much at school but part of that is cause Chris is always there so yeah. It sounds so bad, like I am sneaking around behind Chris's back but I'm not really, I'm just e-mailing Justin who I'm glad is back being my friend cause he's a really good friend...I know Chris would just start feeling threatened or posessive or jealous again or whatever so I don't want to spark that.

School is tough as I said, but I am fully accepted into the Bachelor of Science program at Grant MacEwan, except I haven't registered for my courses yet because I haven't found the bloody time to do it, hopefully there is still good options available...I still love Dr. Nyberg's English class, I went to Parent-Teacher Interviews the other night and she told me that my writing "freaks her out" cause it's gotten so good apparently lol which makes me feel really good about myself & is why I wanted to go into writing but NOOOO doesn't make enough MONEY...whatever. Maybe later on I'll be able to mix the two, Biology & English. My marks are still pretty good despite everything.

Now Chris & me...it's been rough, there is no denying that. Sometimes I get this gut feeling that I know we aren't going to last, and I know I should probably do something or SOMETHING about that but I still like him so much despite out differences. I really hope it isn't just me being too wussy to own up to the probability of us failing because the longer I wait the more it's gonna hurt, but also...I dunno. We fight a lot...and there'll be periods where it's worse and there'll be periods where it's better but it's so depressing not too have more or at least the same amount of happiness together as sadness. We've gotten pretty close to breaking up, especially what would it be...3 days ago when it was like the entire topic of our conversation...but something is still holding us together so we are alright for now. We both feel that we can't go to the other when we are sad, or need something, because I dunno what he feels but I feel like he won't know what I need or how to listen to me or what questions to ask to open me up and let it out. He always makes it about him too, I will be talking about something  & then when I stop it won't be a curious question asked about what I was just talking about, it will be an immediate "well I ..." and sometimes I just can't stand his cocky attitude I hate it...I like humbleness, not in your face LOOK HOW GOOD I AM which is what he does...and his homework habits...UGH he always talks about how he NEEDS to get into NAIT and how he NEEDS to get good in math and how his dad is ragging on him and sometimes he'll even tell me he is gonna finish his math and then the next day I see he didn't even TOUCH it...it makes me so angry like sure we all don't do our homework sometimes but he does it a lot and god how the hell do you expect to make something of yourself with that kind of drive and ambition, you won't. And I know this is turning into a rant about him but right now it is just more negative than positives as there just isn't all that much time to work on a relationship right now and it sucks. His parents are gone for a week and a 1/2 and it's Saturday night and I am home alone doing zip. I wanted to go to his house but he already made plans with Shane to go back to his house so damn it. And Mei's doing something & honestly I don't really have that many close friends anymore...

It's Mommy's Day tomorrow & we were supposed to have a portrait of us kids together to put in the beautiful frame we bought her last Mama's Day but oops...that didn't work out. And we keep getting older too. I'm working again, at the VIC and it's alright, still boring, new coworkers, same wage. There is Katie & Stephanie, Katie being the little sister of Leanne who was the secretary (about 21 years old) last year and how came back again like me this year, and she is really kind of quiet so far, I've only worked with her once and super duper skinny, and then Steph who I've worked with twice now and we get along really well & chat lots because she's a chatterbox which in turn makes me a chatterbox (quiet + quiet = silence) so time goes well with her but yeah tomorrow I work with Katie so we shall see. Chris came and saw me at work today and it was sweet, kind of like last summer which was so nice every day coming to see me and having lunch with me outside on the picnic tables that he brought for me from his work. Won't happen as much this summer with him working somewhere else but hopefully we'll manage.

Grad's getting closer & I'm getting super excited, my dress should be in soon from CHINA hehe, it's so pretty. I hope nothing goes wrong...god please I hope nothing goes wrong with it. Chris's family & mine will PROBABLY be sitting at the same table but who knows..we've had a fight about THAT too  cause apparently his folks said something about him needing to be "in" more with my family first before we do that...alrighty then, whatever that means. But I think it'll turn out alright.

Mom started a job, as the "Office Support" for a business thingie similar to mine & she seems to like it, at least getting out of the house & having a paycheque. Her & dad fight so much it's unreal, maybe that's why me & chris fight so much, because he's told me before that his parents fight a lot too so hmm. I'm pretty sure she'd leave him if she had more balls, more money, & knew us kids would be okay. But she doesn't, so...we'll wait & see. Maybe in the future sometime. And seeing how calmly I am talking about this, you can see how much I care. I'm sure it'd be different if it were actually happening but honestly the atmosphere in this house is so oppressive & horrible it would be a (nice?) change. It's either one of three atmospheres: drunk, extremely drunk, or yelling. Nice household eh?

The search for a car is still on but god there isn't much variety out there, especially along the lines of: nice looking, reasonable price (below $16,000), nice mechanical workings, and a standard. Oh, and a Dodge/Chrysler because Dad hates Fords. Hmm. Yeah, not much out there especially right now. Anyway I think I've written quite enough to read for now...hopefully I will post again soon but I am not promising anything.

michelle xoxo

Have I seriously not posted since Feb. 3rd? AGH. I can't keep up with my life. It is SO nuts, it feels like I am stuck on fast forward sometimes, and other times like I am stuck on Pause.

Okay...Valentine's Day was pretty simple. We didn't buy eachother presents as we were trying to save up money. Instead on our spare the next day we went to Shopper's and bought 50% off chocolate mmm lol. Chris bought me little mini daffodils but they died after awhile. Uhm, we went to see the penguins in the Underground Caverns at W.E.M. for our...10 month anniversary (I planned that one) and after we went to Olive Garden.

Okay...I am going to try to catch up on the big drama thing with our whole group. Basically, since the beginning of this year, things have been different between us and Nicole. She has those other friends, like Roxanne and Becky and more and more often she would hang out with them rather than us. So anyway...at Christmastime there was a "gift exchange" at Bing's. Mei planned it, she wanted to try to get the 5 of us together again (plus the boyfriends & Kaytlyn) and so she didn't invited Angela and Meggy (chris's little sis) and stuff. Fine by me, I am not that close with Angela and Meggy isn't EXACTLY one of the gang. Plus, Mei planned it, she gets to pick who to invite. Anyway...Nicole couldn't make it as she had to babysit afterschool, so that kind of sucked but hey. Jessica was kinda pissed because Angela & Meggy weren't invited, but suck it up princess. You didn't plan it. So anyway, Kaytlyn or Jessica 1/2 way through phones Nicole to see if maybe she can come after, and then they tell everyone else that she can't come because her mom is yelling at her and stuff. So, fine. Thinking nothing of it. We go skating after, Meagan can't come but yeah.

So the big drama from this comes a few days later when I get back from my Jasper trip and spend December 28th (Mei's 17th birthday) at night with her and Shane and Chris at BP's, and then Shane's house. We are the only ones that bothered to show up for her birthday! Strange, huh. Meagan is still skiing in BC then. And then it turns out Jessica didn't even bother to call Mei on her birthday. Maybe she really DID get too busy...but still no call the next day either. Hmm. So things get a little weird and on New Year's Eve then we go to Meagan's and Mei ignores Jessica and stuff and I don't really make that big of an effort to make conversation with her (not completely on purpose, she wasn't trying all that hard with me either) and so yeah, we stay 'til about 1.00 am. Anyway...somewhere along the lines after that I go on MSN and Nicole & Jessica are on. Hmm, interesting. Well I deleted it off Microsoft Word in case Mom finds it, but I printed it off and it's in my drawer. Basically, Nicole starts talking to me and I ask her how her New Year's went and stuff and she says fine and then suddenly she jumps into "so I hear Mei is mad at Jessica for not phoning her on her birthday". Oh Nicole. You just can't helping sticking your nose into other people's business can you. So I simply state the facts as they were, and I try to drop the subject as Nicole LOVES to pick fights. But she won't let it go, and suddenly she is turning this into a fight between us, about how we LEFT HER OUT AT THE GIFT EXCHANGE. She says something along the lines of "Oh and thanks for leaving me out at the gift exchange." PARDON ME? Agh...I am going to try to just tell the story & not rant, it's hard though lol. Anyway, worst times of all times, dad starts screaming at me to get upstairs and god I just want to  Oh, she also told me Jessica allowed her to talk to me about this. OHHH REALLY. How weak can you get little Jessica, getting someone else to fight your fights.

So, somewhere along the lines after that I catch Jessica online and she doesn't say much and doesn't bring anything up and I am so sick of it. She just caused a fight between me and Nicole and she won't even bring the topic up. Jeesus christ. So I do. I ask her if there is anything she wants to say to me and so it begins. And you know what she tells me? That she had a bunch of CHORES to do in the morning, then had to go to WORK early and worked until 11.00 and it just totally slipped her mind. I could ALMOST forgive her at that point, although I would expect some serious apologizing if I were in Mei's situation. Hello, you don't just forget one of your best friend's birthdays and not even apologize! But she goes on to say that sorry if she has more important priorities like work and money and school right now. Whoa...excuse me BITCH, but nothing is more important than friendship, to people with any sense of loyalty, friendship, or morals. I cannot believe she said that. And she  says she doesn't feel like she has to apologize to Mei. I am PRETTY SURE if the situation was reversed and we forgot all about HER birthday she wouldn't just go on like nothing happened and be all cool. No no no...

So anyway, that is basically what happened, and although once in awhile I still try to make conversation with Jessica (that friendship is pretty much dead. She is very much caught up in making friends and being cool, and drinking at parties now that she's gotten drunk for the 1st time) I still haven't spoken ONE word to Nicole since Christmas Break. Honestly, I don't feel like it's that big of a loss. I really do miss our friendship sometimes, I mean we were besties for awhile there (there's me and my serial friendshipness at work again) but honestly, the drama that comes with her, and the hypocrisy and everything just isn't worth it. Once in awhile I hear stuff from Meagan about her (Meagan chose to stay neutral, although she's told us more than once that she knows we are right about this, and Nicole was in the wrong) that she misses her old friends and that the people she is friends with now can't compare to the best friends she used to have. Serves her right. I hope she is missing us. Honestly, i NEVER get in fights with my friends. Once in awhile, it will inevitably happen, but I don't start them. Ever. I just don't go around seeking trouble with the people I love. I don't give up on people either...I still miss them and wish it could be how it used to be, but when people start a fight with me like that, or they prove they aren't worthy of my time and effort & loyalty...I will stick with the people who are. Especially people who delete me off their friend's lists on nexopia. (Nicole).

So yes...that was the friendship drama, and basically Me, Mei, and Meagan went for a Girls Day Out on March 17th, minus the 2 who were there last year. It was a little quieter and such and it kinda sucked that it wasn't the 5 and I miss that...but it can't be like that anymore. Too much baggage has happened for EVERYONE to get over it. And we all have changed a lot.

Chris and me are doing...well, we are in a struggle right now. We have been for awhile. It's hard to admit, but neither of us want to give up and I hope that is what saves us. Because I don't want to let him go, not right now...I hope never. We fight a lot. Just the other night we got in a BIG one. Ironically enough, it involved Nicole, and he just said the wrong thing. It started with me telling him she was invited to Meagan's big 18th birthday in April (I can't wait) and then he started saying stuff about how he's gonna talk to her and stuff and I started getting a little ticked at his nonchalant attitude but I didn't say anything, and then he asked if I was gonna talk to her and I said of course not...and then he just took it too far and started saying stuff about how he's not one to give up on his friend's (like I am!!) and that he was just trying to help us be the 5 again...fuck...THINK before you speak. I told him, through my tears, SORRY if I don't make an effort with someone who has deleted me off their friend's list, does he not remember that she started the whole fucking fight in the 1st place? I even printed off the damn convo's in the 1st place to show him. Ugh...and I hate it because he never thinks he's wrong. Even then he said "sorry, I GUESS" And the other day at the mall we got a flat tire and he phoned his dad and I was trying to figure out what his dad was gonna do and I guess I asked too many questions cause he started yelling at me and so I just walked away. He doesn't need to yell at me. And yet, there he goes again, he didn't think he did anything wrong by yelling at me. Are you thick in the head? He thought that it was just fine to yell at your girlfriend because "it was the only way to make you listen". Get it together, that is NOT the only way to make me listen. That is the way to piss me the fuck off. There is NO need to raise your voice when I am just asking you questions. If you get frustrated (he has a short temper and a stubborn thick skull), you take a breath, and find another way to get through to me. I am not gonna tolerate you raising your voice at me for no reason. ANyway, just stuff like that.

It was our 1 year anniversary on Thursday, March 22nd (it was also Dad's birthday, my piano lesson, a big unit exam in social, and I went for my driver's license). I got a PERFECT SCORE on my license, no demerits! hehhe. Anyway, the next day we celebrated together as there just wasn't time on the 22nd. We went mini-golfing, and were SUPPOSED to see a movie but that was when we got the flat-tire and his dad had to pick us up and drive back to his house because it wasn't fixable just then. We took another vehicle back in for our dinner's reservations at 7.30 at Sorrentino's. Beautiful restaurant. Anyway, at his house we exchange gifts and I finally gave him the scrapbook I had been working on since September (now March) that I poured my love and soul and frustration at times into. Oh, and also about $300 when i DON'T HAVE A JOB. In return he gave me: A musical card and a stuffed penguin. How...nice. Really sweetie, you outdid yourself. Yes, yes...sentimental value. Plus he had "Mumble" on order from Build-A-Bear Workshop (the penguin off "Happy Feet"). Oh my god how many penguins do I need. Why do I need TWO in 1 occassion? Isn't that a bit overkill? He was an adorable penguin, there is no arguing that, and I am excited to receive my OTHER one on Wednesday this week...but honestly Chris...I was expecting something  a little more...this from the boy who bought me a gorgeous heart necklace on my birthday. And after pouring in 6 months of time and at least $300 into his present...I get...2 stuffed penguins? Not even 2 different gifts? I hate how that sounds greedy, it isn't meant to...but I just expected more from the boy who works all the time and has money...while I don't. And I kinda edged our conversation that way last night on the phone and he immediately got defensive about how he bought me an expensive necklace and I didn't spend near that much in the past on him. Maybe not, but at least I gave him unique and individual gifts, and lately I have been matching if not outdoing his price and sentimental wise. He quote "wanted to get a sentimental gift this time". That's fine, get me the $17 penguin...but get me something that involves a little more effort than walking into a Hallmark and picking it out in 5 minutes. He said he was gonna get me the LOTR hardcover set...PERFECT. I would have loved that. And then he went on to say that they were $60 a piece...firstly, I find that hard to believe, probably more like $45 bucks a piece, and what's the big deal? Am I not worth the money on our ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY? I guess I just feel...unappreciated. I set myself up I guess...I poured so much into that scrapbook and it feels like I got nothing in return for it. I set myself up...how was he supposed to top that scrapbook. Maybe I should have kept it for myself and went out and bought him a card and a stuffed penguin for our 1 year. Happy anniversary sweetie, I spent 1/4 of my biweekly paycheque and 10 minutes on your present. God do I sound bitter.

Anyway...so now that I have my license, not much has changed lol. I am hoping to buy a car by May but doubtful if that happens. I am going to try to work 2 jobs this summer, my VIC job on weekends and another on Monday-Thursday...I also want to volunteer once a week at the Zoo. I applied to Grant Mac about a month ago and am going into the Bachelor of Science program (most likely). It is a 2 year program and after that I go for another 2 years at the University. At the end, I am hoping to become something like a Biologist...I want to save the environment and the animals that are suffering because of humanities greed, irresponsibility, and complete ignorance. Big goals I know...I don't think I know what I am getting myself into.

Mei & Shane are in BC right now, for a week. I am so lonely without our daily convo's! Chris is busy with Justin for the next 2 days. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy they are spending time together again...but god...I feel so lonely. Probably only get to see him Wednesday and MAYBE Thursday this week (oh wow chris...how sweet of you...2 days out of spring break i get to see you) as he took someone's shift again on Saturday evening. Ugh.

Kristian got a job at the hospital she really likes, starting at $25 an hour, full-time permanent. That's what you get when you go into a trade. I am pretty jealous...it's not like THAT is gonna fall into my lap when I am done my degree. Anyway...I am sure I could find more to write about...but I better go phone the boyfriend...

michelle xx

Life is just too damn fast lately, and I don't have the luxury of my job to take an hour and write what has been occurring.

So I left off with the hockey game. The first one I have ever been to, and we were playing our rival team! It was so exciting, and the night went amazing, we didn't snipe at eachother or anything. Chris' family has been season ticket holders for a long time, and so in an attempt to escape paying the obsence parking each time, they had found a side street to park on for free. So Chris parked his Daytona there, and it being a cold night, we booked it to the subway to run to the game. He told me that they usually come out during 2nd and 3rd period to move the car forward a bit, or else he could get ticketed for being there longer than a certain amount of time. So I run out with him, (we left our jackets in the car, not wanting to bring them into the game) and I am running with my head down as it is like -25 degrees Celsius out WIHOUT windchill and all of sudden I stop and see him staring at something and he's like "where's my car" and I think he's joking because well, he jokes a lot about things like that lol. Only...I finally catch up to him...and it really is gone. And so the night begins...we run back to the hockey game to find security, and they can't do anything, but they recommend the building next door's security, so we run to that (about 5 minutes away) and we are NUMB and we get there and no one is freaking there...finally a guy shows up and they say THEY can't do anything either, so we have to phone the City Police. In the meantime, Chris has phoned his Dad who is at curling, and he says he will come in and get us. We are on the phone with the police for a long time, and we don't get much out of them either. And so we run back to the arena and wait for his dad, and meanwhile, Chris runs out to double check his suspicions that maybe he just parked it in a different spot than he thought (your mind gets paranoid after awhile). He runs back to get me since I am so cold and waiting inside, and he tells me "Dad found it" and oh my god I am so relieved...so we run back there and I hop in the car with his dad and it was stolen, and parked 2 blocks north of where it originally was parked with us. We think nothing is wrong until Chris looks inside and sees that the ignition is ripped out, all his CD's are gone, and his deck is stolen. So yay...what a night. We phone the police back and they say it will take awhile for a patrol car to come out as there was a robbery somewhere else, so we say we'll just leave it there 'til tomorrow morning and yeah..Chris's dad drives me home and I tell them thanks. Lol. Wow. What an adrenaline-rushing night. The game was awesome and I feel bad that Chris felt so bad that he ruined it or whatever he thought. I still had an awesome time.

So that Friday night Mom & Dad get home and settle in and the next day is the funeral...we went to that and saw all the family, and the best part was the speech by Uncle Francis about all of them when they were younger. We pick up Hunter that night and he was pretty nuts, feeling abandoned and all.

Since then, a lot has happened. I was invited to come skiing with Chris and his family during the break (Dec. 26-27) and god did I want to go. I asked my mom like a month in advance, and day after day, week after week, I couldn't get a straight answer. Then finally I got some sort of answer and it was not good, what my dad had said about what he thought (he was out of town for awhile). He didn't think I needed to go. After some tears and yelling and finally rationalization...I asked Dad one night while mom was there and he said a bunch of stuff how he trusted mom's judgement, and if she was stupid enought to marry him then she must know something, and blah blah blah, and then I started crying once he left lol and mom gave me a big hug and asked me why the heck I was crying but...finally. I could go. So Christmas came, and I got a Digital Camera! YAY. I was so not expecting it, but it is an amazing Canon A530 and I love it. I also got a shirt, lots of gift cards (what I wanted as I am poor), another musical wind-up thing even though I guess Grandma says she is no longer sending Mom money to buy presents for us, and no more cards either. Man, what is wrong with that side of the family. I got a lot of things this year, spoiled as usual, a necklace and earring set from Auntie Laurel and Uncle Gordon. Satsuma Body Butter, earrings, "Snow Patrol" CD...a lot of really nice things. Then the day after that I had to get up at 3.00 in the morning to get ready for skiing. I was frantically shoving stuff in my bag when Chris showed up, and finally we go out there and of course the other girlfriends slept over (I wasn't allowed to) so they are all there and I feel kind of out of place as I have not seen them in awhile, the family. But we get in the Exhbidition and off we go. We get there, do the ski rentals (Chris' dad pays!) and then drive right to the mountain. Man I love skiing, I missed it lots. Even though all the boys were these amazing snowboarders and whatnot, I am probably an intermediate skiier. Actually, I snowblade (they are shorter skiis) and so does Chris so it's good. The first day, I ski with Meggy & Chris and then Meggy leaves and it is just Me and Chris so that's okay. We have lunch in the chalet, his mom brought a feast to eat. We go skiing some more and then by about 4.00 we leave and go to the Inn to stay overnight. Matt and Jen, Courtney & Dave end up staying in one room, while the parents, Chris, me and Meggy stay in the other. I stay upstairs with Meggy and Chris sleeps downstairs on the fold-out couch while his parents are in the bedroom. I get a really good sleep, surprisingly. There was kind of an episode that night between us though, and it wasn't so nice. We were all sitting in the living room watching the first Rocky (never seen any of them) and Chris felt that I was avoiding him all night (I felt he was avoiding me) and I was trying to make sure it wasn't too much me and him, me and him, with his family. So I sit down on the couch finally with him and he's cranky and then he says something really mean. He says "Why did I even take you on this trip" and after that I don't even look at him or say anything and god I almost started crying and then he feels so horrible because he doesn't mean it but still, he said it so he has to deal with the aftereffects. He is beating himself up so bad that I just can't take it anymore and I try to cheer him up (twisted) but he won't have any of it and god I am so frustrated but by the end of the movie we are okay I think. We also went swimming before supper (pizza) and the movie and that was alright. The next morning we get up early and have brunch and then we go to the hill once more. Today is the day that in the morning, we decided all the girls would stick together & the boys can go off and do their tricks on the black diamonds and whatnot. So it's alot of fun, Jen is just learning snowboarding and Courtney hasn't skiied in awhile so we go on the green runs and that is just fine by me, as I like to feel in control. We go to the chalet a little bit later and end up staying there until lunch, as the girls get on the topic of sex (eek) and I find out a lot of stuff that maybe was better I didn't know about. Basically, Courtney sure does like her kinky sex toys lol and what HASN'T she tried yet? Jen took Matt's virginity, and they are all shocked that I haven't done it with Chris yet (hello...we've been dating 9 months). Everyone of course already has done it, Meggy included. So Courtney is giving Jen all these tips and oh wow...I am trying to keep in this so they don't think I am this immature little girl but yeah. Lol. So we eat lunch with the family again, and we kind of ski as a group for awhile and then me and Chris end up alone again and we go on some blue runs and then somehow he ends up tricking me onto a black run and I didn't even know (there weren't any moguls) lol But I found it fun.

At the end of the day we meet up again (me and Chris mishearing the time and being a little late, oops) and we start the long haul home. Chris halfway through starts feeling not-so-good poor thing and lays his head in my lap in attempt not to throw up everywhere. It was a really nice feeling, like he was dependent on me to take care of him, so I would brush the hair off his forehead and just hold him steady while he kind of slept. As soon as we got him he got out the vehicle and puked his guts out. I went inside and phoned my mom and opened my stocking from Mrs. Tompkins and got a sweet Abercrombie & Fitch shirt (never owned anything from there), sockies, Ferrero Roche's and soap. So sweet...and we sit there and at the end my mom FINALLY comes and I thank them and give her a hug and boy do I feel it is inadequate for everything they did for me, taking me and phoning and my mom and talking to her and convincing them and whatnot.

So that was the trip...it was a lot of fun and I can't believe I actually got to go.

TO BE CONTINUED

Firstly, Mexico was about...2/3 amazing and 1/3 horrible. We woke up around 2.30 am and left by about 3.30, so we got to the airport around 4.30. Bad idea, we should have gotten there earlier because EVERYONE was already there getting their seats and such. So Dad despises airports & started sweating bullets when we got there, snapping at everyone to keep up, pestering honestly, EVERY 3 minutes if we had our passports and tickets. It just kept getting worse and worse, him picking fights, plus we had a flight change where we were supposed to stop in Calgary...so our tickets were a little screwed up. So he started bitching at the airline ladies...BAD idea. They respect you if you respect them, & he wasn't. So they were being quite rude back & stuck us by the bathroom lol. Oh well. It finally reached a low point when he started yelling at us to "SHUT UP" to our faces...and I just kinda walked off with Michael & Kristian and unfortunately I let him get to me and I started crying. He was being such an incredible ASSHOLE jerkwad to all of us, no respect or anything. So we got on the plane and started the 7 hour flight to the resort.

We finally got there late, as we had a bad bus lol, they drive CRAZY down there, doing U-turns in the highway and everything. We got there about 7.30 pm (they are 1 hour ahead) and it turns out they fucked up our rooms..my dad paid a LOT for ocean-front view for him & my mom, and really nice views for us, but it turns out we were put in the wing of the resort where CONSTRUCTION was going on; they had the bottom 2 floors built and were finishing the top floor, so everytime we walked by there was a TON of noise and the Mexican workers would look us over and make comments in Spanish & such...creepy. So the next day we had our rooms changed and we had much better ones. We saw the whole place for the 1st time in light, and wow, what a beautiful resort. The pool & ocean & staff was magnificent. They would treat you like royalty, always saying "senorita" or some staff even joked about me & my sister being celebrities when we dressed up one night for dinner. We layed by the pool a lot, I attempted to get a tan which didn't work out to begin with. I tried different drinks, like a Cosmopolitan & Electric Lemonade...I found out I don't really like the taste of alcohol, so I mostly drank drinks where they put less in, or where I couldn't taste it. No getting drunk for me.

We went into town a lot of the days to find presents for the spoiled friends back home...I shouldn't have wasted so much time looking for unique presents for them but oh well. Playa del Carmen, where we shopped, was a really pretty town where you could see snatches of the ocean here & there. The shopowners were very pushy, but that was to be expected. You could mostly here them yelling out "Hey, now ees MY turn" or "Hey, Charlie's Angels!" or "Hey buddy, you lucky gigalow, you got TWO girlfriends" (when my brother walked into town with me & my sister one time). And the funniest of all towards the end, yet most true "Hey, come see my JUNK!" The second last day I got a henna tattoo of a rose, it was quite pretty. Things were often overpriced, so haggling was a must but usually the shops I went into they were a fixed price (for little touristy things).

We would go out for dinner every night, they had a lot of nice restaurants. "Asiana" was of course, asian food like sushi and such, and there was the CUTEST waiter there, he was probably in his 40's but he had this little smile on his face and the cutest little laugh like "hee heee hee" and he would tease me as being the little senorita. There was "Pelicanos" which was right on the beach and we had our lobster dinner there the last night we were there. "Spice" was our ritual morning buffet breakfast; AMAZING food, omelets and doughnuts and waffles and fruit and such in the morning. "Maria Marie" was a French restaurant that was pretty good, I had lamb for the first time. We also went across the road to the sister hotel where we were allowed to eat as well for an Italian dinner one night. I love getting dressed up; it makes me feel really classy & like I deserve the best, which people think of you when they see you take the time to put yourself together really nicely. They pay attention to your needs a little more.

The ocean was so amazing, often I would put on my goggles and leave my contacts in and just dive underneath the water. There wasn't much to see in the area they had us swimming in (deemed "safe") but it was really beautiful and warm and salty as usual. We actually got pictures of us in it this time. There was a neat little 24 hour bar inside of the resort you could go at anytime and play pool, ping pong, or just sit and relax. There was every kind of alcohol imagineable, and no one there to monitor you. Some snacks as well, and a beautiful stone balcony to walk out onto and feel the night breeze.

They also had shows & entertainment every night. We saw 2 shows, one of dancing, different dances with the men and women. My favourite would probably be the last dance by the boys; as was announced "This is for all the ladies in the lobby" and 4 young men came out in white pants (and that's all) with white top hats and white canes, and did a slow dance to a sexy number. We also watched one of the history of the Mayans in Mexico.

The best memory would have to be the trip to Senor Frog's in Playa. We went there the 1 time with dad but he made a scene but abruptly getting up & leaving once he saw the prices of the drinks (they come by "The Yard", huge drinks but amazingly good and a little pricey but we told him of that), and he embarassed us all so much. But we went back again without him and we had the best time. We ordered a plate of nachos and I had a Strawberry Daquiri while everyone else had  Pina Colada. Mmmm, so good. Even better was the staff. All they want to do is have fun, and make sure you have fun, so often they will scare the shit out of you blowing air horns, stealing your hats, or other playful fun. When my brother asked our waiter to take a picture of us, he did, but he also continued to take pictures of other staff members, random people, and finally us with all the staff crowded around us. One guy sat on my lap! And he took awhile to get off after the picture taking was over too lol. (Awkward) But we certainly left there with big smiles on our faces, and they as well, as we were about $100 lighter in our wallets.

Of course there was the down parts of the trip...mostly dad. We owe him for taking us to such a beautiful resort & spending so much money on us...but he made a lot of the time miserable. He would drink so much at the pool during the day, and drink still more at dinnertime that he was loud, obnoxious, rude, and just plain embarassing to be around with. Every night could be counted on for there to be a fight between Kristian & dad, or Michael & dad. Kristian ended up crying one night, I ended up glaring at dad, dad ended up being an asshole to mom, and mom said well why doesn't michelle the perfect quiet one say somethign to him then and I glared at her for that. So fun times all around. More than once were we completely humiliated by his actions, and we knew it would happen but we thought if we glared at him enough or stopped speaking to him he would get the point...well, he didn't. Anyway...

The last day was heartbreaking, as we got up in the morning and I tried to savour every last moment. I tried to imprint moments in my brain the whole time of course, but the last we got up, packed our things, brought it to mom and dad's room since they were staying another week, and did a few normal things. We sat on the swing bar and had a last Electric Lemonade...checked out, grabbed a few doughnuts from "Spice" for the airplane ride home, and took pictures. Waiting for the bus to take us, mom grabbed her sunglasses and so we knew the tears were on the way. She started crying before we left, and went to the bathroom to fix herself up. Then when the bus finally got there, she really started sobbing and man, I had to fight really hard to keep my tears back as well. I am the baby of the family, it can be expected. So I gave her a big big hug and went on the bus and wished I had my sunglasses at the time lol. We went back to the airport and had no problems...SO much less stressful with just Michael watching out for us. We got on the plane no problem, dropped off the passengers in Calgary, then landed in our city where there was a ton of snow. We stood waiting for our luggage like everyone else, and waited...and waited...and waited...until we were the last ones left and still no luggage & the lady comes up to see if we'd gotten any yet. Turns out some newb took off our luggage in Calgary. The ONLY ones...besides the captain & his crew. Goddamn it...of all the luggage on the plane. They told us we should get it by the next afternoon. So Kristian's friend drove us home and home sweet home...there was a sweet message left by Chris about him missing me...and a rather...strange message by Uncle Gary to phone him as soon as possible.

So on phoning him back the next day, it turns out Grandma had died on Thursday, the day before we got back. God...I got off the phone and starting crying a little, but mostly because I felt so terrible for Mom...she had been wanting a vacation for so long and now they were going to try to get ahold of her at the resort and tell her about it. So finally Kristian and Uncle Gary leave a message in their hotel room as they are out of their room...and she knows.

That week that mom & dad are gone are an interesting one. They have never left us alone for an extended amount of time before, and it was amazing. Chris drove me home Monday, and Tuesday as well as we went to the Hockey game that night. Unfortunately, that was a night to remember as well.

michelle xx