Oh my god I hate having to try to remember everything I've done since I'm such a slacker & didn't post sooner...but I know I am gonna look back on this when I'm older & take time out to read my little immature thoughts lol. Hopefully my kids won't read these cause then they'll know if I've done anything bad and use it against me. Oh well, it's a part of growing up. So it ended with Spring Break...well obviously we are back to school after that idiot teacher's strike, and I (as well as everyone else) are still suffering from the time lost. We have huge exams practically very 2 days, and in English AP we write every day, for 40 minutes at least. It's pretty demanding to say the least.

So Meagan's 18th birthday party. It was originally supposed to be at her grandpa's farm, but then the weather turned really shitty so she changed it to in her basement. Sure, that's fine, only that makes it harder to avoid some people (Nicole). So basically the people who come are: Mei, Shane, Me, Chris, Meagan, Ho, Lauryn D., Jessica, Meggy, Justin G., Shayne D., Nicole & her boyfriend Terrance...hmm....I think that's it. And it's alright and stuff and I heard a rumour from Mei earlier that she overhead something about how Nicole might try to talk to us at the party. So, fine...I guess. She wasn't supposed to say anything because Meagan didn't want any drama going on but yeah. We play some foosball, air hockey, then commence the drinking. And yes, I finally got drunk for the first time in my almost 18 years. Hhaha...it was pretty fun I guess, not something I want to make a regular habit out of but I started off fine with 1 cooler and we were having fun and everyone decided to play Sociables and that was fun and then I got a little tipsier and whatnot and then I had 2 more coolers and then I got pretty drunk and my foot started getting very tingly (Justin said that's "my" sign that I'm drunk) so I started kind of lightly kicking everyone to make my foot stop tingling haha it didn't offend anyone just yeah. Then I started feeling a little sick and uh oh...I puked. Lol...I felt better after and it wasn't like a major experience or anything I was having fun and laughing and stuff so yeah. Jessica was being a complete fool like she always is when she's drunk and was like hanging off Justin G. (he just broke up with his girlfriend Katie the little skanky gr. 10-er like the day before) and he was too nice to like push her off or anything so he sat with her for awhile and talked to the annoying drunk Jessica who managed to kiss most of the boys on the cheek including my boyfriend by the end of the night. And screaming in anyone's face who tried to take her alcohol away. So anyway, Nicole did end up talking to me, about how upset she's been and how stupid she's been and how she only deleted us off her friend's page because every time she looked at our pictures she got too sad and how she knows it won't be a right away thing but she wants to be friends again. So...fine. I don't want to start any drama and so basically we're on shaky ground but we don't like hate eachother or anything. I don't exactly talk to her anymore than I used to cause she's either always with her boyfriend or not at school so yeah. Then there was the drama with Shayne (Meagan's boyfriend Ho's friend, she wanted someone that he was really good friends with because he's not all that close with all of us yet) and he had been hounding her to let him bring his "snuff" to her party (apparently it's powdered tobacco) and anyway despite her saying no to his face like 20 times at school & me hearing her say that he brings it anyway and I missed this but apparently he did it, while her little brother was around, and even though I told him before this that if he does anything I'm gonna tell Meagan (which I did, that he has it) then Meagan finds out he did this so she takes it without him knowing & pours it all out (apparently he got it while in France during the trip for school, expensive stuff but who cares) and so he gets all pissed off & him and Meagan have a screaming match at her 18th birthday party, poor thing. But she can definitely hold her own, she's tough. So I dunno if he ever realized how stupid he was, didn't help he was too drunk to comprehend much, but needless to say they don't talk anymore. So that was alright. Throughout the night Chris kind of did his own thing (his sister explained to me that's what he does when he's drunk, he basically just hangs out with his friends) but I still kinda felt left alone I guess...he never really came over to me or made sure I was okay (of course I was, I had all my friends around me but still) so I kinda ended up talking and hanging out with Justin for part of the night cause he's so cool to just chat with and stuff, I don't really give a shit if Chris was watching us (the one time he actually looks at me). So we kinda talked about the old days how close we were and stuff (we were like best buds) and he's kinda still upset about Katie but he's okay and then at the end of the night the girls go sleep in the trailer and the boys sleep downstairs and I sleep like a rock, but boy oh boy Nicole has to drive her boyfriend to work in the morning at like 8.00 am and then when she got back she woke everyone up and everyone else started yapping except me and Mei cause we were dead tired but nooo...oh well. Went home and yeah, mom was none the wiser hopefully. Lol.

Hence initiated the e-mail convo's between me and Justin since then (they're kinda tapering off now but we're super busy) but I always write so much that's just the way I am so then he started writing more and more and now he writes a lot which is good because I am a fast reader too, as well as a fast writer. We still don't talk that much at school but part of that is cause Chris is always there so yeah. It sounds so bad, like I am sneaking around behind Chris's back but I'm not really, I'm just e-mailing Justin who I'm glad is back being my friend cause he's a really good friend...I know Chris would just start feeling threatened or posessive or jealous again or whatever so I don't want to spark that.

School is tough as I said, but I am fully accepted into the Bachelor of Science program at Grant MacEwan, except I haven't registered for my courses yet because I haven't found the bloody time to do it, hopefully there is still good options available...I still love Dr. Nyberg's English class, I went to Parent-Teacher Interviews the other night and she told me that my writing "freaks her out" cause it's gotten so good apparently lol which makes me feel really good about myself & is why I wanted to go into writing but NOOOO doesn't make enough MONEY...whatever. Maybe later on I'll be able to mix the two, Biology & English. My marks are still pretty good despite everything.

Now Chris & me...it's been rough, there is no denying that. Sometimes I get this gut feeling that I know we aren't going to last, and I know I should probably do something or SOMETHING about that but I still like him so much despite out differences. I really hope it isn't just me being too wussy to own up to the probability of us failing because the longer I wait the more it's gonna hurt, but also...I dunno. We fight a lot...and there'll be periods where it's worse and there'll be periods where it's better but it's so depressing not too have more or at least the same amount of happiness together as sadness. We've gotten pretty close to breaking up, especially what would it be...3 days ago when it was like the entire topic of our conversation...but something is still holding us together so we are alright for now. We both feel that we can't go to the other when we are sad, or need something, because I dunno what he feels but I feel like he won't know what I need or how to listen to me or what questions to ask to open me up and let it out. He always makes it about him too, I will be talking about something  & then when I stop it won't be a curious question asked about what I was just talking about, it will be an immediate "well I ..." and sometimes I just can't stand his cocky attitude I hate it...I like humbleness, not in your face LOOK HOW GOOD I AM which is what he does...and his homework habits...UGH he always talks about how he NEEDS to get into NAIT and how he NEEDS to get good in math and how his dad is ragging on him and sometimes he'll even tell me he is gonna finish his math and then the next day I see he didn't even TOUCH it...it makes me so angry like sure we all don't do our homework sometimes but he does it a lot and god how the hell do you expect to make something of yourself with that kind of drive and ambition, you won't. And I know this is turning into a rant about him but right now it is just more negative than positives as there just isn't all that much time to work on a relationship right now and it sucks. His parents are gone for a week and a 1/2 and it's Saturday night and I am home alone doing zip. I wanted to go to his house but he already made plans with Shane to go back to his house so damn it. And Mei's doing something & honestly I don't really have that many close friends anymore...

It's Mommy's Day tomorrow & we were supposed to have a portrait of us kids together to put in the beautiful frame we bought her last Mama's Day but oops...that didn't work out. And we keep getting older too. I'm working again, at the VIC and it's alright, still boring, new coworkers, same wage. There is Katie & Stephanie, Katie being the little sister of Leanne who was the secretary (about 21 years old) last year and how came back again like me this year, and she is really kind of quiet so far, I've only worked with her once and super duper skinny, and then Steph who I've worked with twice now and we get along really well & chat lots because she's a chatterbox which in turn makes me a chatterbox (quiet + quiet = silence) so time goes well with her but yeah tomorrow I work with Katie so we shall see. Chris came and saw me at work today and it was sweet, kind of like last summer which was so nice every day coming to see me and having lunch with me outside on the picnic tables that he brought for me from his work. Won't happen as much this summer with him working somewhere else but hopefully we'll manage.

Grad's getting closer & I'm getting super excited, my dress should be in soon from CHINA hehe, it's so pretty. I hope nothing goes wrong...god please I hope nothing goes wrong with it. Chris's family & mine will PROBABLY be sitting at the same table but who knows..we've had a fight about THAT too  cause apparently his folks said something about him needing to be "in" more with my family first before we do that...alrighty then, whatever that means. But I think it'll turn out alright.

Mom started a job, as the "Office Support" for a business thingie similar to mine & she seems to like it, at least getting out of the house & having a paycheque. Her & dad fight so much it's unreal, maybe that's why me & chris fight so much, because he's told me before that his parents fight a lot too so hmm. I'm pretty sure she'd leave him if she had more balls, more money, & knew us kids would be okay. But she doesn't, so...we'll wait & see. Maybe in the future sometime. And seeing how calmly I am talking about this, you can see how much I care. I'm sure it'd be different if it were actually happening but honestly the atmosphere in this house is so oppressive & horrible it would be a (nice?) change. It's either one of three atmospheres: drunk, extremely drunk, or yelling. Nice household eh?

The search for a car is still on but god there isn't much variety out there, especially along the lines of: nice looking, reasonable price (below $16,000), nice mechanical workings, and a standard. Oh, and a Dodge/Chrysler because Dad hates Fords. Hmm. Yeah, not much out there especially right now. Anyway I think I've written quite enough to read for now...hopefully I will post again soon but I am not promising anything.

michelle xoxo