Its the summer of '08. The sky is a warm blue with streaks of white across the sky, a slight wind to blow your hair back from your face. School has been out since the end of April, and never has 4 months flown by faster. Life is interesting, and sometimes I want to step back & view my life from an outsiders view. I haven't lived all that much yet, I'm hoping to do that when I finally slip from my parents firm, iron-rod grip. I want to travel and see Stonehenge, and Giants Causeway in Ireland, and visit pubs in European cities where no one knows the life I have lived and I can be whoever I want to be. Although I will still be me, because you can't escape it that easily. Nor can you escape so easily the path you have put yourself on, however full of holes and shoddy construction it may be. I'm worried about the future of me. I've been trying so hard to save money but I feel like I don't have enough to show for a summer of pure work. There is just so much you need money for in this world. Gaining worldy experience is damn expensive. Moving out will be near-impossible though its something sorely wished for. I need independence or I fear soon I will be dependent & craving safety of home too much. Traveling requires so much as well--and if I want to see the things I want to see...well, I'm sure that will greatly reduce the moving-out chances.

Anyway, so I finished my 1st year of college with a 3.45 GPA. Not too bad, just kinda mad that I missed the big scholarship you get when you have a 3.5 GPA (.05 off...damn it!). School was an experience. They say its the years you find yourself, college. But so far i've only really figured out all my negatives. I'm not as good or unique or smart as I was when I was younger. I have been thrown into a melting pot of people from everywhere with better grades, more motivation and drive, better looks, better friends...and I'm still too goddamn shy to strike up conversation easily (I'm learning to do it better) and sit next to someone I want to in a class full of strangers. Good thing I'm hoping to go into a field where the objects of my study will (hopefully) be animals. You don't have to worry about social etiquette with them. Although you still have to deal with others. I guess I'm a creature of comfort...I miss the old days where I knew where I stood in elementary/junior high & even high school. Where I knew the faces I passed in the hallways & there was a friendly face to smile at you. College is great...I know I'll get used to it sooner or later (maybe later), I mean I really like a lot of my teachers, they are so nice. And I have met a few nice people (some crazy ones too). But nothing like...long-term friendship yet. No one keeps in touch that much. And as shy as I am, I still strike up the conversation 3/4 of the time. It's weird. Its like some people don't even WANT to get to know who is sitting next to them.

I also am debating quitting Second Cup. All summer I have worked at the Chamber ($13/hour, not too shabby!) as well as Second Cup ($10/hour) and I kept 2cup last year throughout school (no clue how I did it) but this year is gonna be SO hard. Class like 9-1 and 8-5 and 8-3 everyday. Mei, being in education, is only taking 4 classes and goes for like 3 hours a day and doesn't even go on Fridays. Ugh. I'm taking more classes in the biology field, like 2 zoologys, a biology, "Planet Earth" and math unfortunately is required. I'm trying to narrow it down to what I want to do, and I think Zoology might be the one. I hope. I was talking to a couple in my subdivision whom I'm taking care of their house for a month while they go to Europe, and he was saying a guy he knew went into biology & it took him 15 years to find a job. I don't want that to be me!! I'm really worried about that. Then he went on to say that he's now making $180,000 though lol!

I'm still dating Chris. Things are still topsy turvy. I don't know if he's the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. He's still my first boyfriend...I still have so much of my life. We're taking it one day at a time. We have lots of obstacles in our way. Namely, my parents not letting go of me. I'm not allowed to stay at his house with parents & everything there and I'm 19. Not allowed to go camping or go to mexico with the whole family. But we'll see. If things become too much we've both discussed that it's a very real possibility of breaking up. Which is very hard to imagine as he's such a big part of my life.

Hunter our English Setter is doing great. He's calming down a bit, but we still aren't spending as much time with him as he needs or as I'd like to. He has so much energy & with both jobs and boyfriend & friends...so hard to give it to him. When I do have down time I don't want to be walking around the subdivision with the crazy man. I want to read a book or watch a movie or...which i know needs to change. Everyone's just been working so much this summer. Mom's boss got fired and she now has to work full-time at the other chamber. Shane started his painting business and works 7 days a week, 24 hours a day practically. And mei did that with him for like the first 2months of summer before she started at the library. Ugh. And like she said, we'll barely see eachother at school between her schedule & mine. Hopefully things will be okay. I really need to find more friends, I basically only have Mei. Meagan got her new boyfriend who is into extreme stuff & she moved into an apartment with him within the first like month and now they're moving into the basement of a house so jeesus. I've tried phoning & texting her many times, and she has not initiated a single thing since school let out so screw her. She's just fucking her life over. She wanted to be a dentist, then lowered her sights to dental hygienist, and now dental assistant. And she's taking ANOTHER year of school, and dropped out of the program I'm in to become the assistant thing. She can apparently phone Mei and invite her places and catch up over coffee but she can't bother with me so THAT was a great friend. I shoulda trusted my instincts in kindergarten when I didn't like the snobby little blonde girl. Lol.

Other than that...Kristian moved out into a condo by herself finally. I couldn't wait for her to leave, but now the parents attention is like, entirely focused on me and it sucks. Plus she moved so damn far away that we never see her, just like Michael. And he still has his girlfriend that is total opposite of his last one. No makeup, very tall, masters in biology. As long as he's happy.

So life goes on. We long for a life that seems unattainable. I feel myself getting more lost every day. I thought I used to know who I was. Now it's all tangled up like strings of yarn in different colours and no idea of where the beginning or end is. All I know, is that I'm michelle...and I have dreams of a future traveling to different places...with a job I love and feel I'm making a difference in the world, and not starving along the way from lack of money. And moved away from home.

Love,

michelle