I just remembered the website I created about myself on freewebs.com. Username xxbloodyrosexx, password the nickname for guinea. And I was reading everything...and the poems I used to write, and the quotes I collected and whatnot..& although I was a dark little child back then (i made it in 2004, so I was...15) possibly because of peer influence, man I was creative. I wish I had time to write the poetry I used to, or start on a story/novel. I have no idea if I'm any good, but I did like most of the poems when I reread them just now. It brings back such memories of being home alone or whatever and just..delving into my Book of Shadows, looking up info on Wicca...thinking depressing thoughts (lol) and just, creative, emotional, colorful, exotic fun. When I didn't have to worry so much about everything else. God...I loved being a kid. I loved my life (more or less...) and even though I'm 19 now (4 years later)...I know I still am a kid kind of...I mean it's only been 4 years. That's nothing when you're an adult. But I feel like I've moved on from that younger girl. Who would sneak books out of the library she knew her mom would not approve of and refuse to give to her (still mad about that!) and dive into a world she wishes fervently to be a part of. It's such a disappointment to compare that to real life. Reality has such a...less clouded version....less magical and other-wordly feel to it. Like nothing exciting or different could happen in it. With books...you can not only travel to Ireland, but there is this inexplainable feeling...like a faerie could appear or those misty hills were more than just, misty hills. Like I said...inexplainable.

Back to reality...I really do wish I had time to write more. I did love it..I loved finishing something that I was proud of & thought was creative & good. The longer I don't write though...the more I fear that maybe I'm really not as good and creative as I once was...can you lose a touch...I also feel my vocabulary isn't what it used to be. Or my smarts. Or my weight. God...it's not that I'm unhappy with who I am..I just...don't know who I am anymore. Or did I ever really know? I feel like I'm floating through life with desires that will go unfulfilled.

Anyway...not much going on...planning a trip to Pembina this Sat. with Chris, Mei & Shane, Meagan & Dan (awkward...stupid biotch). And maybe Kristen & Kayla and yeah. Should be fun. Gonna float down the river, have hot doggies/picnic. Hoping to do some more fun things yet before the summer ends. Like go to the corn maze, go to Body Worlds, camp at Pembina one night with Chris. Etc. I know school will be absolute hell.

Other than that...wish I had more money. I worked all summer and only have about $5000. (I had about $600 to start off with). Goddamn living expenses. Plus insurance is going to be like $2300. And gas will be for 8 months, $2000. So I was hoping to keep 2cup for 1 night a week, because if I do that, say 5-6 hours a night, multiply by 10.25 is around $60 a week which would pay for gas and not make me spend my savings from this summer. I need a higher paying job next summer. I've also gained WAY too much weight. I don't know where it came from. I've been the same weight since like grade 9 and suddenly overnight I gained like 8 lb's. And I'm 5"3 so that's a lot. I weigh like 128. Ugh. So I'm trying really hard to eat healthy (because I don't lol) and drink more water. I'm pretty sure it's cause I've had a desk job all summer. Once I'm back at Grant with all those stairs and the free gym (please make me use it) I'm hoping it'll get better. Anyway...I guess I should pretend to go do some work now.

Cheers,

Michelle