So it’s 11.00pm on a Tuesday evening…& boy has my life changed..

I am still on slippery footing it feels like with my life..I have a handle on things but not quite to the extent I wish I did. Things are so difficult when you get older, & I wish I knew the right decisions to make, or had the time to step back for a second and appreciate the highs and lows I am going through. I guess that will come when you’re older. I am no longer together with Chris. We decided to go on a break about a month ago…& during that time it was the hardest time, yet within a few days I got used to the no-phone calls at night anymore. Easier than I thought I could. And so when the week was up, we decided to postpone meeting. Why you ask? My mother underwent open-heart surgery the day after Thanksgiving. We all knew it was coming...it was just a matter of time. It just came sooner, much sooner than we thought. She was born with a heart condition--one valve had 2 flaps fused together, thus not enough blood going through her ever-narrowing aortic valve. So that was replaced...what a scary time. The first time we saw her after the surgery in ICU, only 2 people allowed in at a time. I took one look at mommy, lying there on the bed all tiny & pale and tubes everywhere and I just lost it. I have just never seen her so defenseless & small. And she was awake & trying so so hard to reach us with words (always a chatterbox) but they had just taken her respiratory tube out & she couldn't talk. But i could make out faint whispers of "i love you, I love you guys so much" over and over and then I just couldn't stop my tears. But she made it through, however tough it was, and now its just the aftereffects we have to deal with. The unfortunate part was the timing of everything. It came at the beginning of the week of 4 of my midterms, and as a partial result, I did not fare as good as I would have hoped on my midterms. She was in the hospital from a Tuesday to the following Monday. Chris & I broke up on the Friday. I can't describe how awful that week was, how awful that MONTH was actually. And now we are into November and I just feel SO...like I am just drifting along. Waiting for something or someone to come along and give me a shake...let me know that I can be reached, my emotions haven't completely been shut down. That I can once again thrive in the world. But mom is doing much, much better. After that week she slowly came down off the drugs and her normal personality came back. Seeing my bright, vibrant mother emotionless and depressed...I guess it just reminded me a bit of her mortality. And it scared me. The hardest part now is the father. He has been home since Thanksgiving, and I don't think I can take it. After that initial week of her being in the hospital and me home alone with him & Hunter where he did not drink once, he has proceeded to get drunk every single night since (give or take a night). And I cannot stand it for one more night. Its killing my emotions and my sense of right & wrong and how a normal relationship should work. Its so dysfunctional. I went out Halloween night to the Bear's 16th Halloween Howler (sailor girl, with '50s pinup make-up & hair!) and the next night I also went out for Kaytlyn's 19th birthday (Mad Hatter Tea Party theme, I was Cheshire Cat). That night he was once again in his normal drunken stupor saying stupid things & just raising mom's blood pressure & stress levels unnecessarily, and I was leaving her. So I yelled at him, for some reason or another "maybe if you weren't so drunk you'd know!" and he just shut right up and was in a pissy mood for the next 3 days. But, what do you know, he's right back to his old tricks tonight.

So I've been talking to Justin again quite a bit. Phone, text, MSN. Chris is having a really tough time with us being broken up. I am too..when I have the time to actually think about it. School is so, so, so hard I am barely holding on. All the other stuff just makes the hill that much steeper for me. So while I am trying to hold on to that, I don't have much time to think about us actually being...finished. And he has all this time. Must go for now...its late & the dog is whining. To be continued...