To continue on…I don't really have time to think about all the shit i've been through. School is so intense...my marks are not where they should be this semester, but that can't be helped. The pressure is just on now for the finals, which is rough. I don't know...and the situation with Chris...I think I've kinda known all along that we were going to break up. It was just getting up the guts to admit it, admit that we need time apart. To break up. To have time to grow apart, because our growing together in the last months has not been healthy. With all my time (or lack thereof) and his too much time, and my not being able to do things he wanted to do (go on family vacations, hang out more than twice a week) it just was too much. Add on to that that we are only 19, & I am not thinking about marriage for a long time, and that we are not doing as good as we could be as a couple, it just made logical sense to break up for now (for good??) until we figure out what we want from life & who we want it with. He was also my first boyfriend, and me his first long-term serious girlfriend. I need to do things first before I settle down, and I think it needs to be done single. It's so easy to think about things with my brain when I am not with him or thinking with my heart...on the rare occasions I let my heart into the matter, the tears flow & I miss hanging out with him, snuggling on the couch to a movie, hanging out in his bedroom, having those interesting family dinners...his dad...i really miss his family they were always so, so great to me. Willing to pay for me to go to Mexico with them for pete's sake...and his dad was so funny & nice...and his mom too, though not very chatty. It's just so hard, because it's not just a break-up with him, it's with his family. He's luckier in a sense, that I shielded him from my family. In that aspect. But I know he is having a rougher time with things, having that extra time to think about us & stuff...we text every other day or so and the way he talks its just so intimate and personal it's almost uncomfortable because we are broken up..but I think he is either in a state of denial or wanting to get back together? like yesterday he was saying how he would have cheered me up from everything if we were still together; would have shown up outside my class holding a lily? And then he was like stupid me, why didn't i think to do things like that before...and i'm like uhh...what do you say to your ex-boyfriend for that (ex-boyfriend...such a foreign term...never used it before...) I don't know...it helps to talk to Justin. We barely even talk about Chris, just in general about life & stuff. I don't like Justin in that way though, he's just a really good friend and though a lot of time has passed since we were close friends (gr. 10!) we still talk as good as we used to. And it bugs chris so much, apparently Justin went over to their mutual friend's house the other day & chris was there...and he left after 2 minutes because chris made it so awkward between them? Chris said that seeing Justin reminds him of me?! He was always so, so overprotective about that. And I can see why it would bug him that I talk to his old friend...and I understand why he was like that, due to his parents but it needed to stop & he couldn't stop it. I don't know...

I am just in such a transition period of my life. I am making new friends, though Mei will probably always be one of my closest friends. I am no longer in a long-term relationship. After liking Chris for near 4 years...I am surprised that I do not feel more that we are broken up. I think it was kind of a long time coming...and I still care so so much for him...and I miss snuggling & all that physical stuff as well, however he is truly a great person and I think you will always love your first love. But I also think my emotions are just kind of numbed...I'm not sure...I should be feeling more about everything that is going on than I am but, like I said...I guess school is just in the way of that. My finals are done as of Dec. 12th (a Friday!) and I plan on going out that night and drinking my sorrows away lol.

I went out last weekend for halloween (sailor girl!) and that was interesting. Lots of fun, I'm excited to go next year again. Chris went with us, Nicole ended up getting so drunk, puking on the floor, and kissed Chris. Like seriously...I know you are plastered but, how rude. And it's weird how I drink like, never. And I can handle myself better than these people who drink all the time. I dunno.

As for my future...I just don't know anymore. Over the summer I really looked into the Zoology career, researching animals and such. Or Ecology, the environment & animals together. Now that I am almost done the courses, I am still interested in that, I'm just not sure if I want to do that whole research aspect. I still really enjoy writing & reading...deciding not to go into the Bachelor of Applied Communications & Writing program will probably haunt me for awhile. I wish something would jump out & grab my interest so much that I want to do it as a career for a long time. But it probably won't happen. I just don't know...this semester is so intense I don't have time to just SIT DOWN and think about my life like I need to. Even now, I should be studying for my final on Monday for my lab. I have never been in more of a state of confusion & turmoil and numbed emotions and drama and...intensity in my life. It has made me question all my motives, my intelligence, me as a person. And I hate how we are all such prisoners of time...there is never enough of it. And I am always tired...not enough sleep. I really hope I can climb out of this deep dark tunnel into the distant light in the next little while. It's kind of dim and sad in here.

Love,

Michelle